


When You're Gone

by Waywardsistershy



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Character Death, Depression, Explicit Language, F/M, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:42:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28411110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waywardsistershy/pseuds/Waywardsistershy
Summary: Reverse of How To Save A Life. What would happen if it were you reeling from Steve’s death.
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Reader, Steve Rogers & You, Steve Rogers and Reader - Relationship, Steve Rogers x Reader, Steve Rogers x you, Steve Rogers/Reader, Steve Rogers/You, steve rogers and you
Kudos: 2





	When You're Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This popped into my head while listening to Avril Lavinge’s When You’re Gone. I knew that I knew I needed to get this down because I needed to know how the reader would react when the love of her life died in the explosion. Would she wallow or would she try to get back to somewhat a normal life?

“I’ll be fine Babe,” You stared into Steve’s worried eyes as you turned away. But you turned back, “Don’t forget, we have those dinner reservations tonight.” You added and saw a slight smile and shine in Steve’s eyes. Enough for you to turn around and head on up to do a walk around.

You had been excited for this dinner Steve had planned. He had waltzed right into the room four days ago and had told you that he made those reservations. He didn’t tell you where, just when. He had done this a few times before so you loved the mystery behind it. You thought it was romantic. That’s probably why you were attracted to Steve that very first day.

You took the stairs two at a time, while lost in your thoughts. The agent behind you, despite the muscle and looking like a body builder, had a hard time keeping up with you. You opened the door to the eight floor and began to look around. Making sure that everything was good and nothing suspicious were hidden away. 

“Hey, do you think you can slow down some?” the agent asked, clearly out of breath.

“If you can’t keep up, then you need to find a new fucking line of work,” you shot at him. You half excepted to hear Steve tell you to watch your language but, you didn’t. He was probably too occupied with the mission to say anything.

“Yes ma’am,” the agent replied back. 

Something made you stop dead in your tracks. You stood in the middle of the room when you felt your body grow cold. The pit that was in your stomach early that morning returned. It tightened around in your stomach more, making you feel sick. 

Something was wrong.

Something was going to happen.

***

You stopped chopping the carrots. You set the knife you held aside and rested your head in your hands. You rubbed your face as you recalled the events of that nightmare day. You didn’t want to think about it but, the memories would hit you hard and randomly throughout the day. 

Over time, you had gotten better at pushing them aside to try and finish the task you had at hand. So that’s what you tried to do. You took a deep breath and looked up from your hands. You saw Wanda, your best friend in the entire world standing there. The look on her face reflected what you were feeling deep down. She knew how you were truly feeling. You couldn’t hide it from her.

Wanda walked over to you and pulled you into her arms. “I’m sorry,” she said softly, brushing her hand down your long hair. “It’ll get easier over time.” 

“I don’t think it ever will,” you whispered. “I feel so empty and cold all the time.” It was true. You felt like you had this huge hole in your chest that you couldn’t seem to fill. You were always so cold that no matter what you did, you could never get warm.

“I know, I know,” Wanda cooed into your ear. “Think of a happy memory you had with him. That helped me when I lost my brother.”

You closed your eyes and remembered when you first kissed Steve. It was one of your favorite memories that you held close to your heart. 

Tony called a late briefing, and it took everything in you to not tell him to go fuck himself. Your body had been killing you and all you wanted to do was relax in a nice warm bath or just pass out on your bed. But you saw Steve rolls his eyes and walk into the conference room. You weren’t alone.

The whole meeting, you saw from the corner of your eyes that Steve looked at you. You either kept your eyes on your notepad or on the speaker. Tony talked about stuff that you clearly couldn’t understand because science wasn’t your strong suit in school. Bruce would cut in and correct him or add onto something. You hoped that the meeting would end soon. For Tony’s or Bruce’s sake.

Finally when the meeting came to a close, you got up and walked out to the court yard. You wanted to stretch your legs and breath in the night air before calling it a night. You heard the doors open and the familiar sound of Steve’s shoe hit the pavement. You smiled to yourself like a giddy little school girl.

“Do you mind if I sit next to you?” He had asked. So gentlemen like. 

“Yeah,” you felt your cheeks flush and you know that Steve would be able to see it in the bright moonlight. But you didn’t care. 

The two of you talked for a few more hours about whatever came to mind. You listened to Steve tell some embarrassing tales about Bucky and you promised that you wouldn’t tell anyone else. You laughed so hard, that you had to think back to when someone this handsome had made you laugh that hard. 

It had been awhile.

“Let me walk you back to your room,” Steve stood up with you and offered his arm. 

You stared at him, your thoughts running with scenario after scenario. Steve stared back and you could only wish what was going through his head. Then Steve turned slightly and had your face in his hands. He pulled your face gently to his and pressed his lips to yours. You sighed and wrapped your arms around his neck. 

In that moment, you knew your heart found epic, true love.

***

Finally, finishing the fifth and final floor you still couldn’t shake that deep pit in your stomach. You only had a few more floors until you were out of the building and the agent with you was much more annoying than anything else in the world. 

“How’s it looking up there?” Steve’s voice rang in your ear. You smiled and let out a breath of air. 

Steve was okay. 

Steve was alive. 

But the pit in your stomach remained.

“We’re all clear up here,” you said into your wrist. You wanted to add that the agent with you was a pain in the ass but this mission was almost done. So you didn’t even bother. “We’re just passing through the fourth floor.” You stopped and smirked. “Shouldn’t be too much longer, Captain.” You could already picture Steve’s face starting to turn a deep shade of red. You knew what calling him Captain did to him. You didn’t even care that the rest of the team could have heard you.

Everyone knew that Captain America was fucking you for that last few years.

“Move faster Agent Y/L/N,” the way Steve had said your name, sent shivers down your spine. You felt the familiar ache in between your legs. Steve knew how to play this game well. 

“Could you guys not?” the agent behind you said. “We’re working here. Save it for the bedroom.”

You turned to see him raising an eyebrow. You wanted to smack it off his face so fucking bad that you had your fists clenched. You could have done this walk through by yourself but you knew protocol. You had to have a partner go up with you. You closed the distance between you and the agent and stared up into this dark eyes. You saw fear flicker in them. Good, you thought. He knew who had the bigger set of balls in this room. 

“You’re lucky I’m in somewhat of a good mood. Otherwise, I would kick your ass right here.” You grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked his face down to your level. “The team wouldn’t even care. Better yet, Fury wouldn’t give a flying fuck.”

You let go of the agent and turned on your heels. This mission was almost over. You’d be back at the compound cuddling up with Steve before going out to dinner. You didn’t have time to deal with the agent whose minutes were numbered. You reached for the door leading to the stairwell when you were suddenly thrown back with a loud explosion surrounding you. Your body hit a table and your fell to the ground.

“Y/N?!” You heard the panic in Steve’s voice. You couldn’t find your voice because you hurt just about everywhere. “Y/N, sweetheart? Can you hear me? Are you okay?” Steve’s voice shook with panic in your ear. It was a matter of time before he went in after you. Which he would be stupid to do.

You got onto all fours and looked up and saw the agent had been been killed on impact. Fuck, you thought. He had been annoying but you never wanted him dead. Maybe bruised and battered up. Never dead. The pain in your arms caused you to collapse. You rolled over, finally able to find your voice. 

“Steve…” you groaned before loosing consciousness.

***

Your eyes opened and you were still sitting in the shower with your legs drawn up to your chest. The water had grown cold and your fingertips were shriveled up prunes. You stood up and turned the water off and wrapped up in a towel. 

Stepping out of the shower, you noticed in the mirror how red and puffy your eyes had been. After two months you still bawled your eyes out. Crying and the pain you felt, even though you hated the feeling, it was the only reminder that Steve Rogers had been real. His love for you, you didn’t ever want to forget that feeling. 

You thought about all the times you and Steve made love. He took his time with you. He made sure to always kiss every part of your body. He made sure to let his hands linger in all the right places just to toy with you and make you squirm under him. You would claw at his back when he hit all the right spots while inside of you. Your lips would mold slowly together while coming down from the high of both your orgasms. Just long enough before being pulled into his arms before drifting off to sleep.

You closed your eyes and a few tears rolled down your face. God, you missed that feeling. You wondered if you would ever be that close to someone again. You hardly doubted it. A love like that, that was always a once in a life time kind of thing.

***

You woke with the sound of metal groaning and pieces of the the room falling around you. You heard the faint voices of people shouting but you couldn’t make out who they were. There was a ringing in your ears and shook your head to make it stop.

You attempted to get up but you realized something was pinning you down. You sat up a bit and saw a slab of ceiling pinning your lower half. That slab should have crushed your legs but you noticed a wooden table sticking under it. You let your head fall back on the ground. You were stuck and alone.

“The fuck I’m not,” you heard a familiar voice yell. “I’m not leaving your ass in here.” It was Bucky. You weren’t alone. If Bucky was here, then Steve had to be too. Opening your mouth, you tried to say something but nothing came out. 

More debris fell. “Buck,” Steve’s voice rang out clear and it was closer than you imagined. “I’m not going to-“ Then he stopped. You wondered what made him stop talking. “Bucky!” There was a hint of joy in his voice. “Get over here. I found her.”

Within minutes the heaviness was lifted off you. The look of relief flooded Steve’s face as he knelt down and brushed the loose hair from your face. The biggest smile spread across this face as he gathered you into his arms. You couldn’t help but give a pained smile as well, everything felt right now that Steve had you in his arms.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Steve planted a soft kiss to your head. “I got you now.” 

Then everything in that moment changed.

As Steve carefully made his way back towards the stairwell, the floor gave out underneath the two of you. Bucky, who was quick to think grabbed the two of you. His metal hand gripped you tight while his other hand gripped his best friend. 

Both the weight of you and Steve held Bucky down where he was. There was no possible way Bucky could swing the two of you up. Not without one of you slipping from his grip and losing one of you. You and Steve watched as Bucky tried hard to calculate in this super human brain how to save the two of you. Then part of your hand slipped from Bucky’s metal hand.

Steve’s eyes met with yours. “Bucky, you take care of her.”

“No!” you and Bucky shouted. You were happy to have your voice back again. “Steve,” you continued. “Please don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Steve’s eyes started to fill with tears. “I love you.” Steve reached his free hand up and pried Bucky’s hand off his arm. You began to plead and cry for Steve to stop but, you started to slip more from Bucky’s metal hand. Then before your hand could fully fall out of Bucky’s, his flesh hand was already on yours. As Bucky pulled you up, you knew it was too late. 

Steve was gone.

***

Your eyes flew up and you sat upright in your bed. Sweat covered your body as if you had been back in that burning, collapsing building. You wiped the sweat from your head and looked at the empty space next to you. The space that had once been Steve’s and it still slightly smelled like him. It was still strong after two months.

The time on Steve’s digital clock read two in the morning. The normal time you’d been waking up since coming back from the hospital. You kicked your legs out of the beg and walked out of the room. You wore pajama bottoms and one of Steve’s shirts. 

Entering the kitchen, you saw Bucky sitting at the small island. Bucky, you take care of her, rang through your ears again. And Bucky had. He stayed with you the whole time your were in the hospital. You checked on your countless times that first month. He somehow always knew when you’d be up from a nightmare. That, or Bucky’s and yours nightmares were synced together.

You pulled up a chair next to Bucky as he slid a cup of tea your way. And you guys just sat there while you sipped on your hot tea. 

“If there was a way to save him, I would have,” Bucky said softly. Never once had Bucky talked about that day with you. Normally, the two of you would sit in silence for thirty minutes before going back to bed. Tonight was different. 

“I know, Buck,” you turned to him and place your hand on his shoulder. “I would have done the same if I were him.” It was true. You would have ripped your hand from Bucky if it meant that Steve would live. 

Bucky patted your hand as he met your gaze. You saw how sad he was and you knew he missed Steve probably as much as you did. “You know, I found an engagement ring in his night stand,” You took another sip of your tea. “I think that’s what dinner was supposed to be that night.”

“Y/N,” Bucky leaned back in his chair. He had this look on his face and you knew he didn’t know. “I’m so sorry. If I had known, I would have made sure Steve stayed.”

“But would he have stayed behind?” You asked laughing lightly. You both knew Steve inside and out. Bucky gave a light laugh as well.

“You’re right.”

You thought back to night before that mission. You and Steve had been arguing about you going. If only you knew what your knew now, you would have stayed behind. But you didn’t. You couldn’t understand why Steve kept telling you to stay behind. He didn’t have a good reason and the only to make him shut up about it was to wear that red dress he loves so much on you. 

You ignored Steve most of the night at Tony’s party. You talked and drank with your friends and for the hell of it, you let some random dude hit on you while Natasha and Clint took bets on your reaction. Natasha obviously won. You, having had too much to drink, told the poor dude you already had a boyfriend and it was Captain Fucking America. 

After that you went and looked for Steve. Once your found him, you pulled him off to a private single bathroom. In no time Steve had your dress unzipped and pooling at your feet. Leaving you only in your lace bra and not so matching underwear. His lips already on your neck as he picked you up and placed you on the counter top. 

Within in minutes, Steve had you in a moaning mess as he thrusted himself in and out of you at a hard and fast pace. Your nails were starting to dig into his lower back as you felt your stomach tightening up with the strong orgasm that was coming. Soon, you were crying out in pleasure while Steve filled you up. 

He helped you back into your dress and helped get your hair back into place. He peppered a few kisses on your neck, sending a shiver down your back. 

“I love you,” he told you before the two of you returned to the party.

The next morning, the same argument resumed about you not going on that mission. At that time you had that pit in your stomach. You told leave to just leave it alone and marched yourself not the that helicopter. You ignored him until he caught your arm before entering that building. 

***

You woke up in the hospital. Everything was hazy and blurry but soon you focused on two figures by your side. As soon as your vision started to come back to you, there sat both Natasha and Bucky. They were still in their gear. Bucky’s face had cuts and bruises on it. Just his look alone brought everything back. It felt like getting hit by a semi.

Steve was gone. 

You could feel it deep down.

Y/N?” Your eyes flickered towards Natasha’s face. It looked like she was holding it all in. Steve was her best friend. She was the one who brought you into the team. She was the one to introduce you and Steve. She watched the both of you fall in love. You did’t know it at the time but Natasha was there when Steve bought the ring. 

“We found him,” her eyes fell to the floor. You knew it wasn’t good. 

Bucky leaned forward and took your hand, but you pulled it back. You weren’t sure about how you felt towards him. Not yet anyways. “The entire fourth floor fell on him after the final explosion. He didn’t make it.”

The world around you froze. You slowly turned away from Natasha and Bucky. You stared at the blank wall and let the silent tears fall down your face. You covered your mouth to keep the sob from slipping from your lips. But it failed. The sob echoed around the room. You hugged yourself as you let yourself cry.

“I’ll go find a doctor,” Natasha said softly before leaving the room.

You felt Bucky’s hand on your arm and this time you didn’t pull back at his touch. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. You could tell by the shakiness in his voice, Bucky was close to tears as well. 

You lost the love of your life.

Bucky lost his best friend.

***

You stared at the head stone that read ROGERS in big bold letters. One part of your brain was still trying to convince you that all of this was just a silly nightmare. That you’d be waking up soon to Steve’s strong and warm arms pulling you in close. But you knew better. Even though you wanted this to be just a dream and to have the man you loved back in your life. 

“Oh, Steve,” you whispered tracing the letters of his name. “I miss you like crazy. Bucky's been real good too. We’re keeping each other in some sort of check. We’ll be fine.”

Light footsteps stop next you and from the corner of your eye, you see Bucky sit next to you. The two of you did this once a week. You’d get out of compound and just sit at Steve’s grave for a few hours. Either talking and telling stories or just enjoying the silence and weather. 

“With everything going on,” You said taking thew water bottle Bucky offered you. “I didn’t catch it. Why everything has been hitting me harder and why my emotions are through the roof. I should have caught this.”

“What’s that?” Bucky asked. 

“I took three pregnancy tests,” You looked at Bucky. “They all read positive.”

Bucky choked back on his water. “What? How far along?” 

“About two months, I think.” You down at your hands. “The night before the mission, Steve and I snuck away from Tony’s party.”

Bucky stared at you, the ground and turned to look at Steve’s headstone. “Steve’s final wish was for me to take care of you.” He rested his metal hand on my leg. “And that’s what I’m going to do. You and Steve’s kid aren’t going to be alone at all.”

And Bucky did just that.

***Eight Years Later***

You sat on the porch watch a little blonde hair blue eyed boy play in the yard. He had on a small Captain America costume on, wielding a small shield. The two things gifted to him on his seventh birthday by your old team members. They loved your son dearly, especially Natasha who had all the good stories about Steve to tell him. 

Your son was aware of who his birth father was. He was also aware of the sacrifice he made. His eyes would always light up when he heard stories of his father. His little smile was the same as Steve’s. It made you happy. That’s when you realized that Wanda had been right all those years ago. The pain had somewhat gone away. It lingered here and there sometimes when you thought about Steve and how you did this life without him knowing his son. A son who was exactly like him. The love that Steve gave to you never left. It reflected back through your son. 

“Still going at it, I see,” Bucky sat next to you and handed you a glass of water. 

Just like Bucky promised, you and your son weren’t alone at all. He was there for every appointment. He was there for the odd midnight cravings. He was there when you went into labor and stayed by your side for two days until it ended with an emergency C-section that had almost ended your life. He was even there for all the sleepless nights helping out with nightly feedings and soiled diapers. When you quit the Avengers, so did he.

Bucky was always there. 

You didn’t know how it happened but falling for Bucky wasn’t apart of the plan at all. It was slow and unexpected. It scared the hell out of both you. But the two of you slowly went with it. Soon it wasn’t just small, gentle kisses on the cheek or lips brushing on your neck. It slowly turned into long nights of making love and learning to love someone again. 

Now years later, you and Bucky had been married for five years. You guys lived on the outskirts of town in a two story house with a nice white picket fence. It had been perfect for you guys. 

“He’s fallen like five times with that thing, but he always gets back up,” you rested your head on Bucky’s shoulder and he placed a kiss on it.

“Very much like Steve,” Bucky chuckled. “You know, if he takes after Steve, he will be more than a handful when he’s older. How are you feeling today, Doll?” Bucky’s metal hand rested on your bulging belly. You were about seven months pregnant. 

“This one seems to be kicking my ass,” you shifted around on the porch bench. “They always seem to be in my ribs, trying to push outward.” 

Bucky leaned down. “Take it easy there kiddo.” His blue eyes lookED up at you and it made your heart flutter. 

“Dad?” A small voice brought both you and Bucky up right. Those bright blue eyes looked at the two of you. Breathing deeply after having probably ran as fast as he could. Despite knowing who is birth father was, he always called Bucky dad. 

“What’s up sport?” Bucky turned his entire attention to the little boy in front of you guys. 

“Are you going to tell me the real story of how you got that metal arm?” 

“Like I said last week, when you’re older,” Bucky leaned forward with a smirk. “But I’ll tell you it was a secret organization. Now, go get washed up, dinner is almost ready.”

You saw your sons eyes light up and mouth fall open. “What secret organization?” He asked in wonder. 

“Steve,” the two of you said the boys names at the same time.

“Okay, okay,” he backed up and ran inside. 

You and Bucky exchanged a look. “He's going to find out the truth one day,” You said slowly getting off the bench. Bucky helped steady you.

“Just like his dad.”

The End


End file.
